new beginning...

I got my thyroid checked on Monday and just found out the results. My levels are normal, so that is great. Now I need to stop pretending like something is wrong with me (other than a lack of determination) and get back into a good routine!

I'm starting from scratch! I haven't done the lemonade cleanse for a few days now, and I'm not really sure I want to get back into it. I think I'm going to do something I did a couple years back and count calories (along with exercise) and see how I do at that. So tomorrow I will weigh myself and probably have a new "starting" weight. I am going to start off by having a maximum of 1367 calories per day... and then adjust intake by 9-10 calories every week. I also want to start fresh on the treadmill by only doing 30 minutes per day (for now) so that I can get into a good habit without overdoing it.

I used a calorie calculator online and if I follow the intake guidelines that it gives me I should lose around 100 pounds in the next year (and that's is based off of no exercise) so I know I can do it. I need to stay determined and not over do it so I don't quit. If you're interested in figuring out how many calories you should be taking in to lose, check out this link.

As for today.... I need to re-coupe from my mini vacation and get my house back in order. I also want to get on the treadmill for 30 minutes when my daughter takes her nap.

Weight this morning 260.4. Up .8 pounds

I suck

It's official... I suck! I ate a chicken salad tonight even though I am not supposed to. I guess my body wanted to punish me because I've had horrible intestinal cramps ever since. So tomorrow I am back on my cleanse. Did I mention that I suck?

After talking to my husband about how bad I suck, we came to the conclusion that it might be smart to have a small naked juice (it's 100% fruit and vegetable juice) once per day so that I am getting something with a little consistency and don't end up feeling starved... and then break down and eat a huge meal.

I'm really disappointed in myself that I didn't stay strong, but what's done is done and I need to move on and learn from my mistakes. I bought a few Naked juices today and am prepared for the next few days w/0 food. I think I do better on my cleanse when I am around people who know what I am doing because then I don't try to talk myself out of it. Tomorrow I'm leaving to see family and I have all of my cleanse stuff prepared to go.

Not looking forward to tomorrow when I have to weigh myself... hopefully I haven't gained weight.

feeling unmotivated right now... I'm hungry, but mainly I'm just feeling light-headed. I think I'm going to lay down and take a nap and hopefully I'll feel better about what I'm doing when I wake up. I really want to do this but I'm not sure if I can.

weight this morning... 259.6. Down 1.2 pounds from yesterday!

As for how yesterday went, it was relatively easy. I, of course, had my moment around dinner time when my husband was eating, but I survived. Yesterday I went to a play date for most of the afternoon with my baby and then I went to a craft night yesterday evening. The way that I stayed on my cleanse is by telling my friends that I was doing a cleanse. That way I felt that much more motivation to keep going! Anyways, I did well... and I am proud of myself!

tired

I am tired and need to go to sleep, but I did want to say that today went great as far as the cleanse goes. Still feeling great about it!

this morning I weigh 260.8 on my new scale. So, I definitely weigh more in the afternoon. That made me feel GREAT and made me feel super motivated for today. Olivia and I may be going and playing at our friends house today.... so I'm trying to prepare myself now to say "no" to real food and stay on the cleanse! I can do it!

I'm 1.2 pounds down from my starting weight of 262!

feeling ????

So currently I am feeling good... and surprisingly not hungry in the least.

Here's the story:

I was unable to start my cleanse until about 4:00pm today because we went to the store and got all of the stuff I needed and then I decided that I needed to go to the college to get information on a class I want to take. (which took multiple hours, by the way!) The reason I did not go home first and mix up my concoction is that we live about 25-30 minutes from town and it makes absolutely no sense to drive home just to drive back into town. BUT, I was smart.

How? I purchased these fruit/vegetable smoothies (more like a juice though) that only have 130 calories per drink. So I had one for "brunch" and then I had one in early afternoon. Other than those all I had was water and my lemonade cleanse after 4pm. So I still feel proud of myself because that is all liquids!

I read online that you can take cayenne supplements instead of mixing it directly into the lemonade, and I decided to do that rather than to make the lemonade taste horrible. So essentially what the lemonade is made of is 2 Tbs. fresh squeezed lemon juice, 2 Tbs. pure maple syrup, and 8 oz. of water (it actually tastes alright) and then I take one cayenne capsule with each glass (about 6 per day or so). Interestingly, I think I can feel when the capsule dissolves in my body because I get like the tingly feeling on my right side. It doesn't last long and it isn't painful. It makes sense that it would do that though... after all it is cayenne pepper (HOTT!). Another thing I don't like is after I drink a glass of the lemonade and then a glass of water I feel kinda like puking... but I get that way whenever I drink a bunch of water at once anyways.

So as far as the hunger goes, I can say I honestly have not been hungry the entire day, with the exception of this morning because I had absolutely nothing until after we went shopping. I should have at least drank some water before we went. I will say though that I definitely wanted to eat some real food. It just seems weird to not physically eat anything all day... but I think I just need to get out of the mindset of eating just to eat. I hope that this will teach me to eat when I am hungry and not when I feel like it.

Also, I did get a new digital scale. When I weighed myself this afternoon I weighed 266.4.... so either my other scale was really off or I just weigh a ton more in the afternoon than in the morning. I will weigh myself first thing in the morning and base all my future weights off of that number now though. Anyways, tomorrow is another day... and I hope that it goes as well as today did.

P.S. I was surprised to read all of the positive effects cayenne pepper can have on the human body. Literally almost any aspect you can think of, it will make better. Some examples are lowering blood pressure, stopping heart attacks, stopping bleeding, better blood circulation, heals ulcers, digestive aid, increased energy, helps with mild depression, and the list goes on. Check out this site if you're interested. If you know me, you know I'm not a crazy vitamin taker... but I was really surprised and excited to read all the good that cayenne pepper can do. And the awesome part is it's $3.00 for 100 capsules (about a months supply) at walmart for cayenne fruit capsules. That is a cheap fix for all of those problems!

image borrowed from http://www.jcrowsmarketplace.com/ProductImages/cayenne.jpg

day 1

I weighed myself this morning and I weigh 263 (yuck!). I have to go the store to get my lemons still so I need to leave soon so I don't talk myself into waiting until tomorrow! I also want to see how much a digital scale is so that it isn't so difficult to read the scale. I'll write later tonight how day 1 went.

P.S. I'm not doing the salt water flush because I think that the bad outweighs the good. :)

lemonade cleanse

I still have a desire to lose weight, but I feel like I need to try something new before I continue with what I was doing. I am at a point in my life where I am completely unhappy with how I feel and look. I am constantly exhausted and run down, and as far as I look goes... that's fairly obvious considering I weigh 262 pounds and am only 5'2". So I can't help but think that maybe a cleanse is what my body needs... a FRESH START!

So I searched for a cleanse that I can make myself and that won't cost hundreds of dollars. What I found is the Lemonade Master Cleanse. When I looked up cleanses this seemed to be the most popular one on almost every site. You basically mix up this concoction of fresh squeezed lemon juice, rich maple syrup, cayenne pepper and water... and that is what you drink all day along with a lot of just plain old H2O. It also talked about doing a salt water flush (SWF) nightly, but I want to do some more research on that because I have read pros and cons of doing that.... but the SWF was optional, so I can choose. It is a 14 day process.... 11 days of the lemonade cleanse and then 3 days of "ease out". (day 1: orange juice, day 2: fruit and vegetable juice, day 3: live foods such as fruits and veggies). There is also an optional "ease in" that you can do before you start the lemonade cleanse (it is the "ease out" backwards) but I think I am going to skip that.

So from what I have read, the first 3 days are the hardest, but then after that it is much easier. I'm expecting that it will be super hard, but I hope that it will give my body the jumpstart it needs to get losing weight and also help me to shrink my stomach a bit so I don't have a desire to eat as much. So, first thing tomorrow morning I've got to go buy a ton of lemons and some "real" maple syrup.... I might even save money on my grocery bill over the next two weeks.

During this time I need to keep a daily journal (on here) so that I can write down my thoughts and feelings, but also so I can keep myself motivated. I think I will also record if I have had weight loss from day to day... because lets not lie, I will probably weigh myself every morning anyways. So tomorrow morning I will weigh myself and post on here what my starting weight before the Lemonade Cleanse was. It will be interesting to see the results as well as how much better/worse I will feel from day to day. I have a feeling that I will feel a TON better when all of this is over though.

Image Source: http://littleindiachicago.com/catalog/images/lemonade.jpg

feeling unmotivated...

Today I'm feeling unmotivated about my diet/weight loss. I've been doing this now for quite a few weeks and I am still in the same place I started. So today I had a diet breakdown and had Panda Express and Cadbury Mini Eggs. I had the mindset "damned if I do, damned if I don't... so why not just enjoy life?" But now I am feeling guilty and kind of like crap. Hmm.... it's a sucky thing.

I had the chance to spend yesterday with a new friend. She is a nurse and suggested maybe I get my thyroid checked. (Steph, you also told me to do this before I ever even had the baby.) I guess being overweight and unable to lose weight can sometimes be related to your thyroid. It doesn't necessarily mean that is what my problem is, but it may be something to look into. But then that made me think about another sucky part of my life (and maybe even how sucky the corporate world is in general). I do not have health insurance right now and do you know how expensive it is to even see a Dr? Holy moly, I hate this. By the time all is said and done, just to see the dr. and have my blood tested, I'm looking at paying around $300+. And I have to say, I would be really mad if I paid that and found out nothing was wrong. So I don't know if I will get it checked right away, I'm going to have to think on it I guess.

Anyways, so those are the things that got me down today. I hope that i wake up in the morning full of renewed energy and motivation. I've got to lose weight somehow, I don't know how much longer I can stand being this overweight!

oh the places I will go...

Today I (theoretically speaking) made it past the gas station at the entrance to our neighborhood that is 4.5 miles from our house... and now I am somewhere on Route 66. In a couple of days here I should pass by my husbands work. :) This is kind of a fun game! 3 more miles closer to getting to St. George than I was yesterday. Only 239.5 more miles to go!

P.S. why is the last 30 minutes on the treadmill so much easier (mentally) than the first 30 minutes? Maybe it's because I don't have as much left to do (???)

Oh dam

No treadmill for me today. I had to wake up at 4 am (yuck) to take my little sis to Las Vegas by 7:30 am (yuck again!)... and then my little family ended up spending the morning/afternoon at the Hoover Dam. We've driven over it many, many times yet we have never actually stopped to see it. It was fun and a nice little day trip for us. We didn't end up getting home until this evening... and I've got to be honest, I am exhausted from waking up so early. Lame, I know.... but I am not broken, I will get on the treadmill tomorrow. And if it helps at all, we did do some walking around the dam.

Speaking of not giving up on the treadmill, I came up with a reward if I do the treadmill 6 times per week until the day of our cruise. I was sitting in the tub trying to think of something I could reward myself with if I could do this and decided that food isn't a good reward when you're trying to loose weight.... so I thought back to something I used to love clear back when I lived in California. PEDICURES! So that is it.... and I can't wait!

Sunday is normally my day off from treadmill (well, let's not lie... I've had a lot of days off in the past) but this last Sunday I did get on the treadmill. At 6:30 am, no less! I was only able to go 1.5 miles because I would have been late for 9 am church if I had stayed on, but hey I did it. So I decided that since I did it Sunday, it sort of makes up for me not doing it today. But tomorrow I am back on track. I know that I probably will not wake up at 6am to workout because I need to make up for lost sleep, but I can do it during my daughters 10 am nap.

P.S. today when I got home I planted some cilantro, basil, and green onions in little pots and I am super excited. I use those 3 things quite often in my cooking and I am looking forward to be able to just pick them in my back yard. I hope that in the next week or so I will get around to planting a couple more things (carrots, tomatoes, etc.) so that I can be more self-sufficient. Anyways, I am excited about that!

245 Mile Run...

So I googled "how to get in the habit of working out". One of the articles (link) I read actually gave me an idea for an interesting new goal. One of the suggestions it made was to make a game out of it and calculate how many miles it would take to get somewhere you'd want to go, and how many days it will take to get there if you work out every day.

So here is my "game". It is 245 miles from my house to my moms house. I can generally go 3 miles on the treadmill per day.... so if I exercise 6 days a week I would theoretically get there by Friday, June 18th. So that is my goal... to travel 245 miles via treadmill by June 18th. Today I completed 1 mile... not the greatest, but it's a start!

Another suggestion it made was to wake up before your kids wake up to workout so that you don't put it off and end up not doing it. I already knew that that was a good idea, but I kind of shoved it off. But I think it's still worth trying again. I need to remind myself how good I will feel after I work out NOT how tired I feel when I first wake up.

Anywho.... I'm sort of excited to play my new game. I think that It should be fun. I think I will make a graph of some sort so I can mark of every mile I complete!

Thoughts?

disappointment

So, I weighed myself today. To say the least, I am disappointed in myself. I am back where I started. It sucks that one weekend of being stupid can make you gain 5 pounds. Sucky day for me today! I think I'll make lemonade out of lemons and use this as a major learning experience... not only do I need to watch my diet better but I need to get on the treadmill every day. I wonder if it is possible to lose 15 pounds in the next four weeks so that I can reach my cruise trip goal.

I'm considering buying another scale. (I'm not saying it is wrong that I gained weight!) I can step on it 1 minute and it reads one number, and then 5 minutes later (and I've done nothing to lose or gain weight) it can be + or - 3 or so pounds. I also kind of want a digital one that tells an exact number rather than trying to figure out what it says.

So, yesterday.... hmmm. Well, Tuesday night was a miserable night at our house. Our little one is teething and was awake for 3 hours during the night. And then on top of that she still woke up at her regular time and didn't take great naps. So I put off getting on the treadmill until that evening due to feeling exhausted. Then at about 5:30pm my mom called and said that my little sister would need picked up in Vegas that evening (and I was really excited to see her) so we left to pick her up a little while after that and we didn't get home until about 1 am (mostly due to the teething baby who didn't want to be driving in the car).

Anyhow, I did not get on the treadmill yesterday. And what did I learn from that? I learned that I should not put off getting on the treadmill because something is always bound to come up and make it so I can't or don't want to get on the treadmill. I know I say the same thing all the time... but hopefully at some point (soon) I will get this figured out so that I can get my life back in order.

healthy snacks

Today I did pretty well. I didn't get on the treadmill during Olivia's morning nap (I took a nap instead), but I was able to spend an hour (!!!) on the treadmill during her afternoon nap. I tried to tell myself that I could do five more minutes, but my body was really feeling it and I didn't want to overdo it. Even 6 hours later the tops of my feet, calves, shins, thighs, and butt are still feeling it. That is good though! :) And the best part was being able to put a big "X" through today on my workout calendar!

On TV the other day there was this commercial (I think it was Gerber) that said a child's nutrition in the first five years can affect their entire life. It made me think because I really want my baby girl to have the best possible chance at life. I think that by making sure that she eats healthy meals and snacks now, it will help her later in life to have a desire to eat healthy... or at least I'm hoping this is the case.

Anyways, I have been trying to give her fruits, vegetables, and whole grains for her morning and afternoon snacks. Occasionally she gets something sweet and she enjoys that, but she already loves fruit! I think I need to work at giving her more vegetables though. Vegetables are something that I've never really loved (or should I say craved?) so it doesn't come naturally for me to just grab a carrot and eat it. But I want to get in a better habit of eating vegetables for snacks also. It's kind of nice to be conscious about what I'm feeding her, because it is easier for me to think about what I need to be eating as well.

So that is something else that I am working on right now. I'm excited for tomorrow so I can mark another day off on my exercise calendar! :)

P.S. I have been experiencing a strange feeling(?) from weightwatchers.com. Because I did not have such a good weekend with my dieting (afore mentioned in a previous post) I am in "weekly points" debt. This means that when I enter my daily "workout points" in they are automatically used to take away some of my "weekly point" debt. It is a strange feeling to be working out to pay off points owed! On Thursday morning it will all go back to normal, and I vow to never allow this debt to happen again. I just don't like the way it makes me feel! (If only real debt made me feel this horrible... I don't think I would owe any money to any banks! I guess I should work on that too!)

I put my workout calendar on the fridge! So far for the month of March I only worked out once, but that IS about to change. I also printed off a document with a few Now/Then pictures and put that on the fridge so that I can remember why/what I am working for. I'm hoping that these two things will help to motivate me!

i think i can, i think i can...

It seems that I struggle back and forth with this dieting thing, and it's very frustrating for me. It is hard for me to understand (glad I'm not a psychology major) how I can want something so badly (to be skinny again) and be completely motivated with setting and reaching daily goals... and then the next day/week (even though I still want it) I struggle to stay on the path. Hopefully that made sense. I don't know why I am this way... but I need to figure out a way to STOP it and reach some long-term goals. Without going into too many details about the last few days, I will say this... we had my husbands family in town for a few days and I am not looking forward to weighing in this Thursday for fear that I have backtracked and will lose all of my previous hard work.

anywho... I now realize that my 6:00 am treadmill goal was a little overzealous... and honestly I think that is how I mentally got set back. Last Friday was supposed to be the first day of that... and let's just say it DID NOT work! I ended up having cooky dreams all night that all had something to do with waking up early to exercise... but because I didn't sleep well I was too exhausted to get up at 6am. I need to figure out an exercise goal that I can actually reach daily and then maybe in a few weeks when I am in a good habit of working out every day THEN I can move it up to 6am. In the meantime I need to work on going to sleep earlier (obviously not tonight since it is already nearly midnight) so that when I do wake up to do a 6am workout I will be well rested.

So, today we went grocery store and restocked the house with healthy snacks and meal ingredients so that I can get back to my new healthy lifestyle. I think tomorrow I will exercise (why do I keep wanting to spell it "excersize"? AHH) when the baby goes down for her morning nap, and then try to continue this for a few weeks until I am able to move it up to my 6am workout. If for some reason I am unable to get on the treadmill at that time certain days, I WILL get on the treadmill during her afternoon nap... but I am striving for the morning!

My mother-in-law gave me an idea that I think may help motivate myself. She suggested I print up a month calendar and mark off every day that I do workout so that I can SEE the progress (or failure) that I am making. I think that having a visual reminder of what I need to do should help motivate me. Also, it will not take much effort to look at it and see how good or bad I am doing. So, before I go to bed tonight I am going to print one up.

As I write this entry I feel motivated and excited, but in the back of my head I really hope that I can keep up the positive thoughts and motivate myself each day to keep going. I feel like I keep having high hopes and then I don't succeed... so I really hope that this is not another one of those times. I think these next few weeks will be the very hardest for me. It's hard to get into a good habit and put forth the effort when you're not seeing great results. So I hope I can push through this time until I can see some great results so that I can feel the rewards of what I am working towards.

I need to do this for myself so that I can like how I am on the outside and not look in the mirror and think I can't believe how my arms/sides/legs/etc. look. I want to WANT to look in the mirror and look at myself and admire myself for how much I have achieved. I really hope that I don't fall off of my diet "boat" anymore so that I can start to see these results in the mirror.

new goal

So I was working out on the treadmill (50 minutes!) and I was thinking about what I could do to make sure I work out on the treadmill EVERY day. Well, my husband has to be to work by 7 am so he gets up a little before 6 am. So I thought, if I get on the treadmill at 6am I have at least one hour (if not more) to work out in peace before my beautiful angel wakes up. I could easily be done and showered by the time she wakes up. (nice!) The hard part for me will be to actually get out of bed.

So as I'm on the treadmill, I am listening to the Ipod (love listening to music on the treadmill), and a song comes on. I don't necessarily listen to the words of the songs, but a phrase from the chorus caught my attention. It said, "sometimes what's hard and what's right are the same". So that got me thinking that it will be HARD but I think that it is the RIGHT thing for me to do. I need to get up early and workout so that 1) I don't have time to talk myself out of it, and 2) so that I don't have to worry about my baby while I'm doing it because she will be peacefully sleeping. Another thing that I think it will help with is my eating. I think I will be more cautious of what I want to eat because I won't want to waste my hard work (treadmill) from earlier that day... rather than the mindset of "I need to get on the treadmill tonight because I've eaten like a giant pig today".

Anywho... tomorrow is Day 1 of that new goal and I'm looking forward to it. I need to remind myself often that it is okay if I wake up earlier to do this because I can always take a nap later in the day when my baby takes her nap... and it WILL pay off in the end. I know it!

weight loss

2 more pounds down... 5 pounds total! I have 5 weeks and 2 days until we leave for our cruise and 10 pounds to go. I need to kick it into gear and get to work! I need to get on the treadmill EVERY day! Wish me luck!

goodnight world...

Not sure why I am still awake, but I need to make a daily post before I crash. Today was Blah! I did really well until after dinner, when I got a horrible migraine and basically just felt completely exhausted. I did not run on the treadmill (shame on me). I really need to get back into that. I don't know why it is so hard to talk myself into getting on the treadmill. Once I get on it I totally enjoy it... so I just can't figure out why it's so hard to start it! So tomorrow is Weigh-in day... so we will see how much progress I've made.

Any ideas to talk myself into getting in the habit of working out?

i'm back!

So the last few days have been interesting for me. I haven't been too good at getting on the treadmill and I haven't been perfect at following my diet... but I also haven't been horrible. Everyday life has been keeping me busy, and i unintentionally put my goals on the side-burner. But, I realized what I was doing and am ready to put forth all of my effort.

I need to have a set time everyday to get onto the treadmill. Last week I learned that I do best when I work out in the evening. If I eat dinner around 5:00 and get on the treadmill at 8:00 pm it works the best, and I am generally able to push myself further than I expected to go. If I do it while my husband isn't home I get distracted by my responsibilities as a mother and can usually only complete what I expected to get done or less. So... 8pm it is!

So I had this genius idea. I decided to hang a pair of pants up in my closet that I used to fit in. The are a size 34 inch waist and are definitely much too small for me now. But they are CUTE pants (and I have more that are a size 32 inch waist too) and I spent about $60 per pair about 4-5 years ago. I am hoping by having them as a constant reminder that it will help me remember what I am working towards; being skinny and being able to wear CUTE clothes again! (and too be healthy so that I can live a long, long time).

I think that something else I want to do is put a picture on my fridge of me NOW and me THEN so that every time I open the fridge I am reminded.

Last Saturday I made a menu for 8 meals and we went to the store and bought the stuff on the list. There's a couple nice things about doing this: 1) you end up only buying the things you need and are not as likely to purchase things that are jumping out at you saying "I taste good, buy me!". 2) you can plan healthy meals that you KNOW will work with your diet. It is nice having things to snack on in the house too that won't throw you over the daily points (or calories). We always try to have carrots, apples, and other fruits and veggies.

One thing I did splurge on at the store was Weight Watchers fudge popsicles. Here's my reasoning: They are only 1 point per popsicle and I figure if I have a craving for something sweet or chocolatey that just won't go away I'm not going to ruin my entire diet by having one. If I were to eat a candy bar instead it would be between 4-6 points, so that's a big difference in my opinion. They are really yummy and super chocolatey so once I eat one my craving is completely satisfied!

Well, I'm glad to finally have updated the blog! I'm excited to post tomorrow about how my 8:00 treadmill appointment works out. I also want to make a goal to post something on here everyday, because when I do I feel like I have someone (okay, something) to answer to about my daily choices.

P.S. yesterday, my husband and I celebrated our 3rd year of marriage! I hope that by our 4th anniversary I will be much happier with how I look and have a better self-esteem!